Thursday, November 15th, 2007
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8:52 am - Fly time fly
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October has come and gone and it is already half way through November!! A ton happened in the last six weeks. Zach was here. We had the most amazing time! Wow is he ever super wonderful :)I'm hoping he'll be able to come back and spend Spring Break with me here. Katie and Angie (and Angie's friend Mike) were here. We made over to a Pumpkin Festival in NH and up to Acadia National Park. It was amazing. I have two families in addition to my foster girl that I'm working with at KidsPeace now. It's meh but the pay is good. I love working with the foster girl and her now two new foster sisters, but as for the supported families bit. Yeah I'm sick of being in stinky dirty gross houses and having parents wonder why their child is fucked up. Seriously. At any rate. Last night was campus Thanksgiving. Stacy, Erin, Courtney, Holly, Lindsay and I made up a "family" and who joined us but the President of the College. It was pretty cool. We had a mini focus group type deal about graduate resident students. I've managed to sign up for all the classes I wanted for next semester, hopefully things are a little more challenging. I'm also in the middle of proposing an Independent Study so I can graduate in May and freaking go home. I don't want to have to stay until the end of June like I was told I should. If it is approved then I have to petition the dean to override my credits. Hopefully that'll go over well too.
Most exciting though. I'm going home in 2 days!!! Like not tomorrow but the day after. Me. Home. I'm super freaking excited. I'm flying which is also kinda fun. Well I had to kill some time and I did. Now I'm off to start my two day whirlwind so I can go home! wOOt!
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Sunday, September 30th, 2007
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8:11 pm
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Thursday, September 27th, 2007
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9:03 am - Storms
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I came out of the health center where I was getting my allergy shots to discover it was storming. It has grown dark. There are a few rays of sun peeking out around the massive black rain clouds. It looks like evening. The colors on the trees are vibrant against this backdrop. There is a light rain falling. The sound is comforting, the feel is healing. The leaves are swaying from the direct contact with the raindrops.Birds are flying across the sky searching for shelter. Not just any birds but seabirds preparing to buckle down for this one. The smell. The smell of the ocean and of the dampening beaches is intermixing with the smell of the asphalt steaming. The weather is going to break. Cooler air is on the way. Thunder rumbles over campus. Today will be a good day.
Zach finally has plane tickets and will be in in a week and a day. Grey's starts tonite. It is storming. I'm going to not exercise today like I had planned but sit and watch the storm. Yay for me.
Storms are healing.
current mood:  rejuvenated
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(comment on this)
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Monday, September 24th, 2007
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10:07 pm
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I seriously just want Zach to buy his flippin plane ticket! Gosh!!
current mood:  frustrated
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Wednesday, September 5th, 2007
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4:50 pm - Calm before the storm
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Hi! Today was my first day of fall grad class. I only had one. It was good and went by much faster than those long 8 hour days. At any rate today I am feeling pretty good about this grad school thing. I also feel like it's the calm before the storm. I know that things are really going to pick up in a hurry and I may be super stressed. But today is good. I just wanted to document a good day.
I've been crazy emotional as of late, well it seems like it's been a long time. But soon I will have an actual schedule. I will have work and class and internship and social time and maybe ::gasp:: gym time. Jess and I are going to go talk with the gym lady about how to work out since we really don't even know. That could prove interesting. :P
I will be looking forward to Zach getting here for a couple days, it is unreal how much I miss that boy. I've never been so fully invested in someone. I honestly am deathly afraid of what I would be left with if something ended our relationship, which I don't see happening I'm just saying. My mood seems to highly fluctuate around him and our interactions for the day or from the night before. He's truly an amazing person and wow do I hope he's it for me. After Zach gets here Katie and Angie will be here and that will be an equally good time, in many different senses of the phrase.
Deep breath in, deep breath out. I will be ok. Calm before the storm.
current mood: calm
current music: Oldies down the hall
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Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
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10:27 pm - Like like like like
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Maine is proving to be very lonely. I'm with this Ashley girl all the time and wow do I want to get the hell away from her. She's annoying. I do not like her so much. I am not her new best friend. She annoys me. She thinks that since we are from PA we are the same, hello we are not the freaking same. We are not even from the same side of the state!!!
She is with me from 9-4 two days a week for class. Then wants to do lunch, dinner, work out and hang out together. I can't take it. I want out!!! I'm not even in!!
No one is on campus. Only 8 of us are living in the dorm right now. No one is ever here. Except Ashley. And I can't stand her. I miss Katie and Zach. I miss Jamie and Ryan. I miss BTBR. I miss having a social network. It's not the same here. It's not the same as undergrad where ppl were eager to make friends. Everyone here is ::gasp:: busy studying. No one seems interested in really making friends.
I'm learning to be on my own. Socially. Physically. Freaking educationally haha. It's rough. I don't like it. I need someone to be friendly. Someone other than this freakin Ashley girl. HMPH.
current mood:  lonely
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Thursday, August 2nd, 2007
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9:00 am - Hoooooot
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I'm in Maine. And it is hot. Hot like whoa! And I'm in a dorm room with no air, like usual. But it is so hot! I moved up here this week. My parents are still in town which is nice. I talk to Zach every night and our type of conversation has changed which is good. We are going to make it.
I'm liking Maine. I'm starting to learn my way around. I kinda feel at a disadvantage in some of my classes now because I'm not familiar with what is avaialbe in Maine or what legal/political things are happening. I wasn't that aware in Pennsylvania either. Oh well. Maybe I'll start picking some of it up.
I'm exploring Maine, with my parents, which makes it semifree. Yay for money! I'm going to do ok here. Zach and I are going to make it. I can do this.
Sometimes....I just need you to tell me that it's going to be ok...that we will survive this together....
current mood:  hot
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Monday, June 4th, 2007
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5:22 pm - Wonderfulness
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Saturday was the most wonderful day! Zach and I went swimming and erm had a good time. We saw Shrek with some of his family which was ok, the movie was ok his family is good :). We ran around. We got dinner and came back here to relax and watch some tv. I just love getting to spend time with him. I crave it. He was in such a good mood too. Amazing really. I just wanted to try to capture how happy I was Saturday. Blissful really. I hope that he is the one to make me feel like that everyday. I love that boy.
current mood:  happy
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Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
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8:06 pm - Big Ppl
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I applied for my first big ppl job ever. For when I get out of grad school. Next summer. But I applied now anyways.
I miss being able to do what I want.
I miss the Boro.
I miss hanging out with Katie and Jamie whenever I want.
I miss being with Zach whenever I want.
current mood: grumpy
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Tuesday, May 1st, 2007
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6:29 pm - The Last of the Last
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Wow. It's almost graduation. I'm graduating. Well I'm not going to graduation but I'm graduating. I'm going to be a college graduate. May 12. So so soon. I'm moving home. Packing up and moving home. Only to pack up and move to Maine. I'm leaving the Boro. My routine of four years. I'm leaving WSI and all my coworker type people there and my newest friend Heather (and Rob) My friends, true friends. And Zach, quite possibly the love of my life. So it's going to be rough. Things are starting to make me sad. I feel like I just need to cry periodically and it'll be ok. The end. Last of the Last. Damn where did it all go?
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Sunday, February 11th, 2007
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6:45 pm - Losing time
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I'm going to Maine. And it is wonderful. But overshadowing my last semester here. I feel like I'm losing time. I cling to Zach. And I hate that I do it but I do cuz I know that one day soon I will be 12 hours away and won't be able just to reach out and hold him. And it kinda breaks my heart. I mean I'm not looking forward to leaving my friends either but I know we can survive, we've done it before. I'm afraid of losing Zach I think. I love him in a way that I thought was only made up by Hollywood. And we're amazing. We know it. But sometimes I look at him and I just want to bawl, cry my heart out because I'm afraid of what could happen. I don't want to lose another good guy because I go off to school. And yeah yeah if we're meant to be then we'll make it. And I know it's not good to worry about things that may not happen and that I don't have much control over. But omg this feeling is horrible. And I cling to try to make it go away and it won't. It just wont go away. I'm trying so hard to enjoy every last moment here at the Boro, even though it's only Feb, I feel like my time is already up. We start week five of sixteen tomorrow. I'm a quarter of the way done. Done done. Really done. Stick a fork in me I'm done.
current mood:  loved
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Saturday, February 3rd, 2007
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3:08 pm - :)
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Things are good. Stressful but good. Sometimes I just want to break down and scream but I always seem to keep on going. Much thanks to Zach who takes whatever I'm freaking out about and makes it seem like nothing. Amazing really.
I've realized that I won't be at home for my birthday this year. I will be away. On my own in Maine. Kinda sucks.
I started talking with a girl who may want to be my roommate in Maine. I think that's cool. We may go up and visit soon. That would be exciting.
I love my field placement. It's amazing. Sad that we need domestic violence shelters but it's an amazing area to work.
Life is good.
:)
current mood: cheerful
current music: Pens game!
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Sunday, January 7th, 2007
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8:36 pm - Almost
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Ok. So seriously I have never been so bored in my entire life. There is absolutely nothing for me to do here. Honestly there would be nothing for me to do at school either but still. Gosh! It sucks. It seriously sucks. Is it Friday yet?
2007 will be crazy for me. I have to survive my field placement. I know I can it's just getting started I guess. I will graduate in May. Boo. The Boro has been good to me. I'm not all about graduations. Never have been. In fact I don't even want to be there. Maybe the excitement will hit me one day. I pretty much intend to have the best 16 weeks ever this semester. Kmo is back. Jamie is good to me. And I have Zach. Constantly entertaining. And truly amazing. I hope this feeling with him never goes away. Ever. And that he shares it. Always. Enough gushing though. Although I could gush all over the place haha. It will be my last summer at PennDOT. And my boss won't be there. I don't know where I'll go or who I'll work for/with. Could be wonderful or horrible. Somewhere in this time I will buy a new car. Then I will go to Maine. For grad school. For nine months. And be done. AH but done to do what? My own thing? Go somewhere with my bestest or a boyfriend to start my career? I will be starting a career. Not just a job. So many questions and only time will tell. I can tell you who I want to be there with me though :) We shall see.
I'm going to Maine. To a place I've dreamt of. Odd place I guess? But I've never been there. I don't know much about it. I will really be on my own. Well as on my own as a college campus allows. I know that I want this for me. I hope that my friends and boy can hold on to me like I want to hold on to them. Makes me nervous and excited and terrified and sad all at the same time.
I'm really just rambling now to keep myself occupied. So I guess I will go try to find something else to do. Hmph.
IS IT FRIDAY YET?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
current mood:  bored
current music: Tyrone Wells "Hold On"
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Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
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2:08 pm - Its hit me.
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So. I've been crazy busy the last two weeks. Keeping up with school and prefield and Zach. Things have gotten seemingly strange between Meg and I and I don't like it but don't know how to fix it. Or even if she has other things going on and it's not just me. McVey and I haven't talked in forever either and that makes me frustrated. But these things I'll work on.
I've been sooooooooo tired. Zach's apartment is a time vortex or something. Seriously I'll look down and it'll be like 930 and then I look again and it's 130. And then I sleep for like 5 hours and then I get up and run through my day. Only to end up at Zach's again until 130. While it's wonderful I'm sleep deprived and my one professor expressed concern for me haha. So I will work on that sleep thing. But Zach is pretty amazing. It has finally hit me that we are together. And we can be in many different moods and situations. Things are good and I can't remember being this happy with someone. I can go do my thing all day and drop by to talk and be held. It's pretty freaking amazing I'm not gonna lie. And he doesn't push. Doesn't push anything and I like that alot. He's started filling up the silence that he's used to by talking and joking around. I get so lost in his eyes, I didn't know that was possible. Can I gush anymore? Yes I could but I don't wanna make Kmo sick! Haha!
Speaking of whom. I miss Katie like no other. Wish she was here. I'm aware that she's having a good time far far away from me which is fine except that she is far far away from me!!! Can't wait till she freaking comes home!!
There is more but all I really wanna do is shower. So I'm gonna. Lata!
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Sunday, October 1st, 2006
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3:15 pm
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Sunday, September 24th, 2006
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10:59 am
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Thursday, September 14th, 2006
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7:13 pm
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It's over. Just so you all know. It's over. And I'm ok. I'm learning who I am. And this is a part of it.
Oh and by the way. I have my heart set on Maine. In a year! Yikes. We shall see.
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Monday, September 4th, 2006
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7:27 pm
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What am I going to do? What am I going to say? Do I even want to do it? To make these feelings ring true? Hmph. Boo for this whole situation.
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Thursday, August 31st, 2006
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9:47 pm
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I just talked to him on the phone for half an hour. I have no idea what we talked about. I don't care what we talk about. I don't want to talk. I don't want to think about it. I want to run. Run far far away. And run fast. Not that I can run because I'm extremely anti exercise. But I just don't want to deal. I feel obligated to call him. I know there was a time when I wanted to call him. I swear there was. Why do I do this? Is it even me? I'm freaking out. And I don't know what to do. I want to do nothing. I want it to all go away. I don't want to be the one to make it go away. Just go away. We don't talk about anything that I'm interested in. Just work. And how did your day go. Nothing real. Nothing solid. Nothing like the first time or hell even the third time. I don't think I even answered in a complete sentence for the entire half an hour. So why does he think that everything is ok? Why does he think that this is so perfect? When all I can think about is that I need to try harder. That I owe it to him to try? Why do I even owe him? Maybe I should owe myself. Maybe all those days of my crew telling me that I need to get out have sunk in. Maybe I do need out. Maybe I just need to do my own thing. Honestly this can't be what it's supposed to be like. It can't be like this forever. Can it? I swear it's not supposed to be. Maybe the Cinderella effect has gotten me and I'm just unaware. Wow. That was a vent. Now I need some alcohol to make it all go away. I can try right? Hmph.
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Sunday, July 30th, 2006
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1:39 pm - Existing
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I've hit the dull point in my summer. The point where time was stopped and soon suddenly it will take off spining out of control. At least out of my control. Which I guess is what I want. Control. But not too much control. It's a hard balance. A balance I haven't gotten right yet.
If I can just make it to Friday. Friday we leave for the beach. I believe no bad can happen there. It's my safe place. A place where I can just be me. Not a girlfriend or a coworker or a roommate or a student just me. I want to sit and ponder the ocean. Existence. Life. And avoid love. I want to avoid thinking of Todd. I feel like I'm dependent. I hate that. I feel like I'm being run by a dictator. I'm not unhappy but I'm not happy. I'm just exisiting in this relationship and that can't be how it's supposed to be. I don't have a reason to stay and I don't have a reason to go. Just existence.
Meh. I had more but the mood has passed.
current mood:  indifferent
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